Friday, July 1, 2011


Its been a loooong time since I've had a girl friend. I've never really been the type that has a ton of girl friends, I'm more of the single one on one friend who in turn becomes my best friend. With that being said, Caitlin was my last friend. She was truly the best and I prefer to remember the really great moments rather than the last psychotic ones she had before our friendship fell apart.

Caitlin was just like me. Simple and fun in the boring way (compared to all the party girls). We loved just sitting on the hood of her car blasting music while watching the sunset. I also became a part of her family. Not only was she at my house all the time, but I was always at hers having dinner or celebrating finding a new artist to worship. She was ideal. I really wish that I could have another Caitlin. Unfortunately though, She ended up going crazy over a guy. She became infatuated, and when he didn't return the feelings she went into starvation and depression. I tried to cheer her up but all I ended up getting was being patronized and having her lash out on me. Slowly she started to disappear. It wasn't until she wanted to brag to me that she got an autoharp from her class at CSUN for music therapy and I told her that I had just bought mine a month prior that she quickly rushed off the phone, told me to call her tomorrow, and that was the last time I spoke to her.

I tried calling her. Everyday I dialed her number and I did that for two weeks.Sometimes I called her twice to no avail. I was mad at that point. I KNEW her, and i know when she's avoiding someone because i've SEEN her avoid someone, and now she was avoiding me. So I thought, she has my number and if she wants to use it then she'll frickin use it. And that was that.

Since 2008 I haven't had another friend. Luckily, I met Matthew in 2009 and he is my best friend. NOT because I cant have any other friends or because I don't have girl friends, but because he is genuinely a great person and no matter what I would have loved to be his friend. He on the other hand has had unbreakeable friendships with the people he met in elementary. I do envy that sometimes. He's carried his friends all the way over. It wasn't until I got out of high school that I realized how troublesome it is to find a friend. I've really been trying but I don't even know if it can be done... 

HOW HARD DOES IT HAVE TO BE?! I wish I can just go up to someone I like and be like " You want to be my friend?" Old school, you know? Just like in kindergarten. I feel like at my age everyone already has their friends picked out, and there is no room for me. Even though I have come across people that I've met and hung out with, I eventually start to fade away and all to soon I become forgotten. I feel like making friends is sometimes awkward. Its worse than trying to be in a relationship! I don't know how the steps go. Like when is it ok to start calling them? When can you invite them to your house? When should you make your first friend date/hangout sesh? Does anyone know what I mean? Anyhow,This post is me saying out loud of all the things I want as a friend. One that's a GIRL!

You must NOT be psycho! I will accept mental breakdowns but lets keep them to a limit, yes? I want a friend to tell me that I'm AWESOME! In return, since you're my friend, I will tell YOU that you're AWESOME! You must like cool music. Preferably the more unknown that it is, the better. You get extra points for playing a musical instrument. You need not to, but it def is a plus so that we can have a laid back jam sesh. You must not be a bitch. I'll take anyone with sarcasm because I'm very sarcastic, but i do not want someone that is a bitch. Especially if you KNOW you're a bitch. I want someone that's laid back. That would preferably want to just lounge or do calm things ::: take a walk, sit on some grass, go music hunting, ect...  I am definitely not a party person... NOR a clubbing person. I knock out at 11 at the latest so don't expect me to be up all night until 2 am or else you're going to have to drag my body everywhere you go. I don't make drama so I don't want you to make drama. I watch dumb shows for that kind of entertainment. I would like a friend that likes to cook/bake. Also if you like to workout even better!!!!! You need to be a listener. I will listen to you and be your therapist and you will listen to me. Fair? In case we DO go out to a party, I would much appreciate it if you didn't get drunk the first time we go. Its has happened before.. Also please don't get drunk all the time. Sometimes that's ok but I really don't want to be picking up your throw up. I would like someone that doesn't wear a ton of make up. I don't wear alot and i feel like if you wear alot and then I see you with no make up that you'll scare the crap out of me. I would like it if you were witty. I love witty responses just as much as absurd ones. I want someone to hate the same stuff with! I want to make fun of things and not care if we sound mean (we wont be). I want someone to be a little silly with and do dumb things (but not end up in jail) I just want someone to be my friend. 

I don't think I'm asking for alot and don't even care if you have any of these qualities. I just want someone that I can talk to and have fun with. I just want a genuine person that isn't an asshole. After not being successful in making friends I often start to think that maybe I'M not friend material. Maybe? I don't know.

Anyways... This is me just wishing/thinking out loud...

♥ O. 


  1. people aren't as complex as you think they are. :) when you stop seeing them as complex or simple, then you just see them as they are, and you are capable of just seeing them as they are. I recommend you read Notes To Myself: My struggle to Become a Person by Hugh Prather, it'll be your new favorite book. :)

  2. Thanks for the advice and i'm going to try to find this book :) hopefully i can better myself ♥

    This is me but i'm having technical retardation and i cant operate the comment when it shows me :(